A few weeks ago I did something not like me: I quit. I experienced a range of emotions. Anxiety, happiness, sorrow, liberation, and fear. Fear of not knowing what I’m going to do next. I knew intuitively I was not feeling satisfied, but when I followed that feeling I was on a rollercoaster in the darkness, not being able to measure what plunge is happening next. I trusted that feeling because I knew it was there for a reason and the time was now to stop ignoring myself. I was in control of my decision, but how was it that I felt so out of control?
Letting something go that has such deep roots taught me a few things. The biggest problem I faced was a loss of identity. Who am I really if this isn’t a part of my weekly schedule? I felt the need to seek out something that would fill in the gap. Of course, it seems ridiculous now. If a doctor is not practicing anymore does that mean he isn’t a doctor anymore? No! It’s a part of his life, it’s a part of who he is. I came to the clear and obvious realization that my life is so much more than just what I like to do and what I love. My life is about who I love, who I surround myself with, and what I believe about myself. Soon after, I was telling a friend my feeling of lost identity. Then she says to me, “your identity is in Jesus Christ not anything else.” Wow. Everything made sense again. I love telling others about their worth in Jesus, but I sure was not taking my own advice. If whatever I am doing in this moment serves God then I am all that I need to be.
The next stepping stone to this discovery was using the courage that I knew was inside of me. I took courage in trusting my instincts which led me to another lesson of trusting God. Specifically I constantly repeated to myself “Jesus I trust in you” as Saint Faustina did. So much courage goes into letting go of what seems perfect from the outside looking in, but isn’t necessarily perfect whenever you’re in the situation. Courage also gives us the opportunity to become stronger. We only gain strength by having the courage to first admit that we need to change and then take the risk of moving forward. Letting go leaves room for possibility and an opportunity to grow. When one door closes another opens. I may not be patient enough to let all possibilities knock, but I’m still learning!
I may have quit, but I am not a quitter. I may have released a piece of myself, but my identity is so much bigger. I may have let go, but I have no fears.
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