Today I finished Resisting Happiness by Matthew Kelly. God could not have put this book in my life at a more perfect time.
The past few months have been nothing less than a struggle for me. I have gone through so much change. I felt like I am at rock bottom. I had nothing together even though I wish I did. I was and still am so far from a perfect Christian that I really cannot even imagine why anyone would want to listen to me.
I was just resisting.
I have been resisting letting everything go into God’s hands. I have resisted writing blog posts because I felt so defeated and so rejected not just by fellow Catholics but mentors and strangers alike. I wrote about losing my identity a few posts ago but wow do I feel like I am a nobody now. I felt invisible. As soon as I hear something negative about me I only feel like dirt. I let the demon of depression get to me.
But this is only me resisting something far greater. I am resisting that the only title that matters is that I am a daughter of God.
A few nights ago one of my dear friends came over to give me comfort and company. She told me that she also had to learn what being a daughter of God means. “Miranda, the engineer” or “Miranda, the student” did not matter as much as “Miranda, the daughter of God.” You see, I was resisting God by saying that “Allyson, the Catholic” or “Allyson, the yoga teacher” is far more important than just “Allyson, the daughter of God.”
By resisting who I really am, I was only resisting any possibility of being happy. Even beyond that, without the recognition of God’s work in my life, I can never have the joy that we all so desire.
The goal of this post is to first show you that I am flawed, far from perfect, and make mistakes. I am striving for that universal call to holiness yet I resisted the one thing that I am passionate out of fear and despair. The second goal was to promise myself and whoever reads this that I am going to be more consistent with writing because I feel that I have something to share that can help others like me.
Peace and Namaste,